Friday, August 21, 2009


Sometimes I have my feelings so mixed up, ever noticed that fear and excitement feel rather similar? I mix them up all the time, thinking I am afraid and after a talk with one of my friends I get that it is excitement that I am feeling. I don't like it, it is a nervous like feeling, it is a big and busy feeling.
So this Sunday I will be in this bike tour, all people I don't know, riding a road I don't know, I even have some new parts on my bike that I don't know. All new... and I am still the queen of control, not liking stuff that I am not the boss over. I am all worked up, like a young kid and her birthday, I know what dress (bike clothes) to wear, I know how I want my hair (helmet), I know what shoes to wear (bike shoes attached to the pedals) I know , not I do not know will be at the party and I don't know what they will do. I asked a fellow biker if he has this also and he told me it is normal.
NORMAL? I am not functioning anymore, I am nervous, emotional and sitting on my couch elaborating on whether I should bike or not today. I have a hard time focusing on my work and I feel the need to put all my biking belongings in a place where I can see them, just to be sure I have what I need.
I think I am a bit afraid for new stuff and that is why I do it, because it is also exciting and a challenge. I think I am not really afraid.

This morning I was on the phone with my mom, my dad had a lot of hospital stuff the last years because he had cancer twice. I told my mom that I was reading the book of Lance Armstrong about how he survived cancer. My mom and I talked a bit about my dad, he will have a check up next month. Five years after all the chemo and stuff cancer patients are being checked to see if it is not coming back.
I remember the first time my dad got diagnosed, I got this phone call and right away everything in me went silent, no thoughts, no feelings, nothing. Just the words "dad has cancer". My first action was to go online and look up everything I could about cancer.
The second time I took a huge distance from my family when I heard it. My dad was in the hospital in Paris where they could treat him for the rare cancer that he had. When I first heard it, I again had this silence, this emptiness and the next day I was angry and afraid and within no time I took a distance emotionally.
I have noticed that, that is what I do when I am afraid, really afraid, it goes still and naturally I know to put one foot in front of the other.

My mom and I also talked about the last months I had. Some time ago I went to the doctor because there was this thingy growing out of me. He told me it had to be removed and it had to be checked, so I made an appointment at the hospital, I had surgery etc etc. It all took long, long waiting for the first check, another check, next check, surgery, waiting for results etc etc.
I had that silence again, I made my world really small, not that I choose to do so conscious, I just knew the people to deal with and to not get others involved. I was afraid and because of my inner silence it did not paralyze me.
At times I was irritated, something was in my body and I wanted it out now. This was all so much between my body and me. Also the surgery, the waiting, the operation room, the coming by, it was all very silent and alone. Somehow I was able to let things be the way they went. Everything turned out to be okay, it wasn't cancer. And I got a bonus out of it, I became fully aware of my love for my body, I want to take good care of it, and I know now even more that I want to live.

Thing is that there is fear and there is fear. What I have for Sunday is not fear, it is exciting. Excitement feels like fear only that silence of logging into the basic needs mode is not there. That is because there is no need to do so. Excitement is fun, doing new stuff is fun, finding challenges is fun. I do it because I get a kick out of it and in the end I want more. I do not have to go into basic needs mode because if I do so I will miss out on the fun.

I really feel that I have gotten a bit too personal here, and am a bit ashamed, then again I am proud at me doing this. I am glad that I discovered I am not afraid, but that I am excited, so that tomorrow I can blog about something mild, light and shallow.

Boy am I gonna have fun on Sunday!

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